


escape.

by gentlelogic



Series: fem!sides verse [4]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Fem!Patton - Freeform, Fem!Roman, Fem!Sides, Found Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Platonic Logince - Freeform, Religious Guilt, Sexual Humor, fem!Virgil, fem!prinxiety - Freeform, healthy m&f friendships here baby, lots of discussions of that, religious trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28806735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gentlelogic/pseuds/gentlelogic
Summary: "But it's awful," she said. "It's cruel for me to think like that. To think I'm so bad because of what I am.""What is even crueler is people teaching you to believe that you would be thrown in hell simply for existing," Logan argued. "That is where the cruelty lies; in them. Not the shame you feel as a result of their cruelty.""I can't escape it. It's so pervasive, Logan." Roman looked up to him, tears in her eyes. "The shame. I have a wonderful girlfriend who I treasure more than anything. But I'm still so ashamed of who I am. I can't breathe with it."or.Roman works through more of her trauma by crying on Logan's shoulder. He doesn't mind.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan, Prinxiety, platonic Logince
Series: fem!sides verse [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1683106
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	escape.

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING; this fic discusses religious trauma and hell. Some sex jokes too.

It was a Facebook post; one little meme that one of Roman's mom's friends had posted two days ago that came across Roman's feed as she was laying on the couch, next to Logan who was studying for an exam. It was a dramatic picture of a pride flag with scripture over it and a long ranty caption about the sins of the country becoming worse and worse and how the ones living in sin would spend an eternity in hell.

It was laughable; clearly, a fearmongering piece of propaganda that didn't deserve to be taken seriously.

Still yet, Roman felt sick to her stomach. Her head was swimming and her eyes burned. Before she even realized what was happening, she couldn't breathe. It felt like the world was caving in on itself and her ears felt like they were underwater. She was disconnected from her body, unable to feel the tears running down her cheeks, the uneven breaths rattling in her chest, the shaking in her body, and the way her phone had dropped onto the floor.

A hand was on her shoulder, gently squeezing. Roman blinked, feeling herself slowly becoming more aware; shaking hands, wet eyelashes, and a headache. Twisted stomach. Exhaustion.

Logan was staring at her, hand still on her shoulder. "Romana. What do you need?"

Roman cleared her throat. "Ibuprofen. Please." Logan nodded and rose, smoothing down his tie as he did so. Roman took several deep and shaking breaths as Logan's footsteps made their way through the kitchen, opening cabinets. She brought her shaking hands up to her chest, pressing them to her heartbeat, breathing deeply. The faucet turned on from the kitchen. She took another breath. More footsteps. Another breath.

Logan was in front of her, holding out a glass of water in one hand and two orange pills in the other. His brow was furrowed, clearly concerned, but Roman could only feel as if it were a judgment.

"Am I going to hell?" she blurted.

His eyebrows disappeared into his bangs, eyes going wide. He took a deep breath. "Take the medicine, Romana."

Embarrassed, Roman grabbed the pills and shoved them into her mouth, then took the water. Logan was still staring at her as she handed the glass back.

"Thank you."

He nodded and set the glass down on the coffee table and sat down next to her. "Are you all right?" he asked.

She shrugged. "I'm okay. I think. I'm…" She flexed her hand and swallowed. "Don't know what the fuck is wrong with me."

Logan frowned. "May I ask what triggered this… attack?"

"A stupid meme from a lady at church I forgot to unfriend. Anti-gay bullshit."

"Ah," Logan said with a nod. "You say it is 'bullshit,' yet it clearly bothers you."

Roman flushed. "I know it's bad that it bothers me; I'm not--"

"I never said it was _bad_." Logan had that stupid frown on his face again. "I am attempting to allow you a space to freely discuss this "bullshit," as you call it, so that I may attempt to help you work through it a bit."

"I…" Roman blinked. "I don't… it's not fair to force it on you. It's my crap I gotta work through."

"You are not forcing me," Logan said softly. "I am offering. What about this particular meme bothered you?"

"I think…" Roman swallowed, feeling the tears welling up once again and she tried her best to blink them away. "I think it was the mention of hell."

Logan nodded. "I see."

"Logan, this is super heavy, you don't have to listen--"

"Romana. I offered." He smiled. "Believe me, I am in a mental space where I can handle it. I would not be offering if I could not."

Roman looked down to her red painted fingernails, glancing at the wobbly skull and crossbones Virgil had tried to paint with black polish. The reminder of her girlfriend, out with Patton at the grocery store made the tremble in her chest feel even worse, the guilt of her own shame nearly suffocating.

"I'm still so afraid of going to hell for who I am, Logan," she said, so hushed, as if maybe she could keep that dirty truth away from the world; away from herself, and away from God, should she be testing Him somehow. Terrified that her friend, gay and proud, Logan, would have to hear it and feel the weight of the shame of it all.

He didn't even raise an eyebrow, just nodded solemnly. "That sort of fear does not go away overnight."

"But it's awful," she said. "It's cruel for me to think like that. To think I'm so bad because of what I am."

"What is even crueler is people teaching you to believe that you would be thrown in hell simply for existing," Logan argued. "That is where the cruelty lies; in them. Not the shame you feel as a result of their cruelty."

"I can't escape it. It's so pervasive, Logan." Roman looked up to him, tears in her eyes. "The shame. I have a wonderful girlfriend who I treasure more than anything. But I'm still so ashamed of who I am. I can't breathe with it."

Logan pressed his fingertips together, leaning into them, gazing at Roman carefully.

"Religious trauma is a seriously complex issue, Romana." Logan smiled, something so soft and gentle, Roman felt a lump grow thick in her throat. "Your shame is not your fault. Your trauma is not your fault. I understand that the effects from it are difficult to shake, and even then, that is a gross understatement. But I want you to understand that your efforts to recover have not gone unnoticed. Patton notices. I notice. And I know for absolute certain that Virgil does as well."

"It's gotta get better than this. I can't keep falling apart every time I see a damn meme. I lived in that stupid house for 18 years and heard worse. I never fell apart like this."

"You are in a space where you are safe to fall apart. You held it together for 18 years to survive. You don't have to do it to survive anymore. It does not surprise me that you are experiencing a delayed reaction to the traumatic events you went through."

"I'm a _mess_."

"You are not the first person in the world to be a mess. You are not that special."

"You're an ass," Roman said, kicking Logan's ankle.

Logan laughed. "I assure you that things have and will continue to get better. You are out of that damn house. You are healing, even when it does not feel like it."

"I'm healing," she said faintly, feeling a bit like she was being strangled.

"Hey," Logan said, hand going to her back, gently rubbing back and forth. "You are."

Roman's face crumpled and she tipped over into Logan's shoulder, trying to muffle her sobs there. His hand patted her back and he was saying something she couldn't hear over her cries. She knew she was a gross mess, getting tears all over his dress shirt, shoulders shaking and sobs choking.

Then the door opened.

"Oh, Jesus Christ, Logan, what the hell did you do?"

Roman let out a choked laugh into Logan's shoulder at the sound of Virgil's voice.

Logan sighed. "I did not--"

"The nerd and I are bonding," Roman said, looking up to meet Virgil and Patton's concerned eyes.

"Crying is how you people _bond?_ "

"You people?" Logan asked, looking offended.

"Yeah, you people. Weird ass gays."

"You are literally gay too, Virgil," Roman said.

"No, I'm not."

Logan rolled his eyes. "You have a girlfriend."

"Do I?" Virgil asked, dropping her grocery bags onto the counter. "I didn't recall it."

"Fuck you," Roman called.

"No, why don't you come fuck _me_?"

"I just had a breakdown. I'm too tired."

Patton made a face. "Can you two get a room?"

Virgil crossed the room and flopped down on the couch, leaning over to kiss Roman's nose. Her voice was soft in Roman's ear as she asked, "Are you okay, babe?"

Roman nodded. "More and more okay every day."

Virgil grinned and kissed her cheek. "Good."

"Can someone please help me put away the groceries?" Patton asked with an amused huff.

Roman stuck her middle finger up, laughing at the sound of Patton's gasp. "Patty, babe, Virge and I are busy."

"You two are ridiculous," Logan said, standing up. "I will assist you, Patton. Those two are lazy."

"Damn, it's so sexy when you talk about me like that, Logan," Virgil said.

A bag of chips smacked the back of Virgil's head and she jolted up in surprise.

"Alright, you bastard, I was being nice," Virgil snapped, throwing the bag of chips back at Logan as Patton dissolved into giggles. She huddled back down in her spot, wrapping her arms around Roman.

"Shall we watch a movie tonight?" Logan asked, walking back to the couch and holding out the bag of chips, now opened, to Virgil. "I believe today has been mentally draining for certain parties and it might benefit all of us to partake in self-care."

"You can just my name, specs. We all know I am the resident mentally unstable one around here."

Logan rolled his eyes. "I was attempting to be kind."

"Shit, did you hear that? Logan cares about me."

"Of course he does, kiddo," Patton said, wedging herself beside Roman and giving her a quick squeeze around her middle.

"What movie are we watching?" Logan asked. "Romana's pick."

"Porn."

"You are not amusing, Virgil."

"I'm hilarious."

Roman rolled her eyes. "Let's let Patton pick. She had to miss last week because of exams."

"Oh, look at you being all selfless," Virgil teased as Patton got up excitedly to put in Winnie the Pooh.

Then Patton was settling down in her nest of blankets on the recliner and Logan squeezed Roman's shoulder before taking a seat on the opposite end of the couch and Roman's heart suddenly felt so full and warm, she could barely breathe.

And love is such a better thing to be suffocated by than shame.

**Author's Note:**

> Is writing fanfiction free therapy? I think so, anyhow.
> 
> I have little meltdowns about this all the time. My brain triggers this instant, fear response every time I see one of those damn memes. It's scary. I grew up with that shit and I never carried the weight of it quite like I do now, moved out at twenty years old, so much more removed from it. It's so heavy. But I'm healing. 
> 
> It gets better. <3


End file.
